Deconstructing self

I have a pretty good job. I’m around people at work that I get along well with. I have a schedule in which I can keep my own hours, and I can even work remotely from home which is quite a blessing with my brood of offspring and my wife’s hectic schedule. So, I should be happy with it all, right.

As with all implied assumptions in blogs such as this, no, I’m not.

I’m not sure what it is, but I don’t feel like I’m really good at what I do. Now, my wife, friends, even clients have told me they like what I do, and I appreciate that, but I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m scraping by. I hate that feeling.

What’s worse is that there are several other things that I’d like to try to do, but all of which lead me to the same feeling that I’m just not good enough to do them. Is this just having no confidence in myself? Is it a complete lack of self-esteem? Is it simply seeing reality?

This is a strange feeling, and a strange time. I don’t know that there’s an answer at the moment, and I’m certainly not looking for reassurances. Honestly not sure what I’m looking for, but whatever the answer and whatever the reason, I’ll see it eventually. I don’t know where I’ll be then, but I won’t smell too good, that’s for sure.


3 thoughts on “Deconstructing self

  1. I’ve often felt the same things you describe, and I don’t have any simple answers that will bring perspective to how you feel. Just know that I love you and I think the world of you.

  2. I think we are all just really driven people. I often have the same feelings of just scrapping by, of working on half-assed science, and knowing I could do better if I just worked harder. I known that can’t be and that he limitations are not really my fault of under my control.

    So… just remember, “Buck up little camper, we’ll beat that slope together”.

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